


Bloom

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Dependency, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Instability, Not A Happy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, slow and soft mental breakdown, wonky pacing and weird time skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:19:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Soonyoung wilts when Wonwoo leaves.





	Bloom

**Author's Note:**

> spoiler warning in end notes

It’s _4:33_ according to the glowing green numbers on Wonwoo’s alarm clock he refuses to get rid of even though he uses his phone to wake up now.

Soonyoung doesn’t ever wake up this early. Or at least he hadn’t in a long time. 

The bare skin on his thighs and arms tingles uncomfortably in the chill air. An electric fan whirs quietly in the corner, too far away for him to reach without having to get up and he’s too tired to move.

It’s coming up on thirty-two hours since he had last been slept.

Thirty-two hours since Wonwoo had left, kissing him on the forehead and promising to be back before two days.

Outside the rain beats against the roof and a police siren howls in the distance, the tension in Soonyoung's stomach gets impossibly tighter at the sound. 

He fidgets around with his phone, waiting for the battery to run out so he won’t be able to stare blankly at his home screen any longer. The charger doesn’t work unless you hold it up a certain way so it’s dying slowly despite being plugged in. 

The betta fish Wonwoo bought in Thailand swims lazily around his tank, red fins shockingly bright against the black rocks. He’s probably hungry, Soonyoung doesn’t remember when he last fed him. Time has started to blur together. He hopes he doesn’t die like the house plants they used to have, Soonyoung misses the house plants. They made the apartment seem more occupied, less of a tomb. 

Now it’s just him and the fish without a name. 

Except maybe it did have a name? Wonwoo must have named it at some point but Soonyoung can’t remember, he actually can’t remember when Wonwoo brought the fish home, or what he had said. More lost time, nothing special in a lifetime of it. 

His phone buzzes, the sound it makes against the bed causes Soonyoung to startle. 

_on my way home, want me to pick up food??_

Soonyoung types out a quick no, fingers shaking. He sends it and then ads a kissy emoji just to be cute. He hopes it’s cute and not annoying, he never wanted to be annoying but sometimes he thinks he can’t help it. 

His stomach churns, a low rumble that reminds him that he hasn't eaten dinner or lunch. He did have a granola bar for breakfast, so that was something at least. Wonwoo couldn’t get on his ass about not eating. 

The fan blows Soonyoung's bangs across his face as he waits and listens. The sounds of the city are all that he can hear. Spluttering engines waiting impatiently at stoplights and Latin music on some distant stereo. 

Someone honks just as Soonyoung lets his eyes rest and he is wide awake again, back to waiting. 

The lock on the front door finally clicks open maybe fifteen minutes later. Soonyoung hears quiet footsteps moving from the kitchen to the bathroom and then down the hall to the bedroom. 

It could have taken Wonwoo ten minutes to make it, or it could have been seconds, time is fluid in Soonyoung’s world, especially his current one. Finally, Wonwoo’s figure is illuminated by the hallway light in the open doorway.

“Miss me?” He says playfully, voice hoarser than it usually is and Soonyoung wonders if he had been in the rain for too long and managed to catch a cold. 

The words are harmless, Soonyong doesn't flinch. 

“Always,” Soonyoung lets a smile peel back his lips to show off shining white teeth, hoping he doesn’t sound weary. He scoots himself up so that he is sitting on his knees, looking up as Wonwoo closes the distance between the two of them. 

Wonwoo leans down and kisses him slowly, he smells like cigarette smoke and wet asphalt.

Soonyoung wrinkles his nose. 

Wonwoo laughs at him, or with him maybe, Soonyoung isn’t always totally sure. 

“Want me to go take a shower?”

The question has Soonyoung shaking his head emphatically, sitting up straighter and pulling Wonwoo ungracefully onto the eggshell yellow comforter. 

“I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he doesn’t say ever again, but the words hang on the edge of his tongue like feet dangling from a cliffside.

Wonwoo grins and Soonyoung takes the opportunity to climb into his lap, pushing his forehead against his chest and breathing in slow deep breaths. Like meditating, in and out then back in again. 

They sit like that for a until Soonyoung gets antsy. He starts squirming, making Wonwoo laugh again, low and deep. It echoes in Sooyoung's bones, bouncing off the caverns of his chest. 

“Love you,” Wonwoo says quietly, kissing him again, this time pushing his tongue against the front of Soonyoung’s teeth until he lets his mouth fall open. 

When they’re kissing Soonyoung doesn’t think. His head, usually so full of worry, is blissfully silent and he can actually feel the slow and steady thrum of both his and Wonwoo’s beating hearts. The world feels perfect when Wonwoo’s tongue is deep in his mouth and his hand creeps through the knot of his hair, pulling gently. 

Soonyoung pulls away first when he feels he can't breathe and Wonwoo follows him, pushing his back into the mattress. He follows him down to nibble at his neck, not yet leaving marks but possibly thinking about it. 

“I missed you so much.” Wonwoo mumbles, tracing his tongue along the slowly reddening patches of skin, “I wish I never had to leave you.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t let himself agree out loud, he doesn’t want to ruin the moment with another fight. 

He attempts to pull Wonwoo’s shirt off as a distraction from that line of thought, but the wet fabric clumps on his shoulders and sticks to his chest. Wonwoo chuckles ( _again_ , Soonyoung must be really funny) at Soonyoung’s frustrated growl, pulling it over his head himself and tossing it carelessly onto the carpet behind them. 

“Better?” Wonwoo grins, moving his head back so Soonyoung can kiss him again, this time forcefully and with purpose, tongue no longer gently exploring but now desperately claiming. 

“Better.” Soonyoung agrees when his mouth isn’t otherwise occupied. He’s already panting, so desperate from practically nothing and it almost makes him feel like he might be more pathetic than he thought. 

“You’re so desperate,” Wonwoo whispers like he’s read Soonyoung’s mind. He pulls at Soonyoung’s shirt slowly with hot hands against his back. 

It ends up bunched above his armpits. From there Wonwoo seems to gets distracted, licking down Soonyung’s exposed chest, leaving a wet stripe on his nipple. Between the cold and Wonwoo’s attention, it’s pebbles hard in seconds. 

Soonyoung shudders at the sensation, feeling his blood pooling beneath his hips as Wonwoo worries his teeth across too sharp bones. 

“You’re the worst.” He gasps as Wonwoo leaves a wet patch of spit right below his belly button, the lowest he has ventured thus far. 

“Am I?” Wonwoo teases, his eyes glinting mischievously as he reaches down and gropes Soonyong’s growing cock through his fleece pajama pants, “Did you forget to put on underwear or is this a special treat for me?” 

Soonyoung feels his cheeks color, he has actually just forgotten. “Shut up.” 

He pushes Wonwoo up so he can pull his shirt the rest of the way off, slow and sultry just like he knows Wonwoo likes. 

Wonwoo eyes him lustfully, not hiding the way his gaze travels possessively up and down Soonyoung’s exposed stomach. He evidently sees something he likes, hands resting one on either side of Soonyoung’s waist where they squeeze little white indents into his sensitive skin. 

“Wanna’ ride me tonight?” He asks. 

“I’m tired,” Soonyoung complains lightly. It’s the truth, but if Wonwoo really pushed it he could probably muster up the energy. They were celebrating after all. 

It always felt like a celebration when’s Wonwoo came home in anything but a body bag. 

The only pushing Wonwoo does is to send Soonyoung’s back flat against the mattress. “Then sit back and enjoy the ride,” he says in messy English, untying the drawstring on Soonyoung’s sweats and pulling them down to his ankles. 

“You sound like a pornstar.” Soonyoung attempts to joke. It’s interrupted by a loud moan as Wonwoo’s warm fingers twirl around the head of his dick. “Shit,” he hisses out instead, rutting up into the warmth of Wonwoo’s hand. 

Wonwoo smirks, keeping his grip light and loose. When Soonyoung really starts canting his hips Wonwoo removes the hand, ignoring the disappointed groan he gets in response. He kisses down Soonyoung's stomach lazily, eventually wrapping his lips around his cock which gets Soonyoung to let out an undignified squeak. 

Soonyoung twists his hands in Wonwoo’s hair but lets him set the pace. The steady bobbing already making him groan and squirm. He unconsciously ends up trying to push up into the hot wet mouth, but Wonwoo holds his hips down to the bed with a sturdy grip. 

“Wonwoo, wait,” Soonyoung says when he feels he can’t take it anymore. 

Wonwoo stops moving and looks up, pupils open wide with want. 

“I want...” Soonyoung trails off, too embarrassed to finish now that he has Wonwoo’s unending attention. 

Wonwoo grins wolfishly, pulling off of Soonyoung’s dick with a wet pop. 

“You want what?” He asks, tracing his fingers over Soonyoung’s sides, following old scars. 

Soonyoung can only gasp at the sensation, able only to breathe out a quiet please when Wonwoo’s hands dip between his thighs. 

Wonwoo, merciless, asks, “Please what?”

Soonyoung moans as Wonwoo nibbles at his thighs. “I want you to fuck me,” he stutters out shifting so that his legs open wide, a flower blooming in anticipation. “Please.” He reiterates because he knows Wonwoo likes to hear it, and it seems to do the trick. 

Wonwoo is gone for a second, returning with a bottle of lube that hasn't been touched in what feels like forever. They haven’t done this in too long, Soonyoung decides they’re going to have to do it more often when Wonwoo finally has a finger inside him. It’s a snug fit but it feels so right that it has him sighing in contentment. 

Wonwoo doesn’t take his time now that they are this close, soon there’s a second and then third finger wiggling around in Soonyoung’s most intimate places. It has him babbling, throwing out praises and pleads and anything that will get him more. 

He tells Wonwoo it’s what he needs and Wonwoo finally gets tired of teasing him and shushes him lightly instead, placing the hot head of his cock against Soonyoung’s fluttering opening, murmuring encouraging words as he pushes in slowly.

When he bottoms out Soonyoung throws his head back against the bed and moans so loud he thinks the neighbors might even wake up. 

It’s nothingness after that, just the rough push and pulls of Wonwoo inside him and the building of his climax filling up his stomach and chest. His legs shake and his vision goes blurry and then white with pleasure. 

When he cums it is without his cock being touched. Wonwoo whistles lowly at the sight, his thrust growing erratic and uncoordinated before his grip on the comforter near Soonyoung’s head goes tight and he is spilling over with a low moan that sets Soonyoung’s nerves on fire despite how limp he suddenly feels. 

Wonwoo slumps on top of him, a comforting weight. When he slips out Soonyoung can feel his come drip onto the covers, making a mess that neither of them is going to feel like cleaning up. 

“I’m going to go shower,” Wonwoo whispered, interrupting the satiated silence, shifting so that he’s sitting up on his knees. “Do you want to come?” 

Soonyoung whined in protest, too exhausted to speak. The edges of his vision started to glow white, ghosts hanging around the corners of his consciousness. 

“Get some rest,” Wonwoo pushed back Soonyoung’s sweaty bangs and kissed him on the forehead, “I’ll be back in ten minutes.” 

Soonyoung counted the seconds and watched the fish’s idle movement to keep himself awake as Wonwoo leaves. The water in the bathroom turns on with a roar, followed by muffled humming. It’s comforting to have someone back in the house, to not be alone. 

756 seconds later (Soonyoung started counting to keep himself occupied) Wonwoo is back in the bedroom, the navy towel he knows is Soonyoung’s wrapped around his neck. 

“How’s Gyu?” He asked, opening the fish food container.

Gyu was the fish’s name, after Wonwoo’s best friend who he was with when he bought him. Mingyu has a blue one named Woo. Soonyong remembered now. 

“He’s good.” Soonyoung mumbled back, flipping onto his stomach so he could watch Wonwoo making kissy faces at Gyu as he drops little floating pellets into the still water. 

“Why’s the fan on?” Wonwoo asks when he’s done, falling onto his side of the bed. He smelled like their peppermint shampoo. Soonyoung prefers this scent over anything else in the whole world.

“Didn’t feel like turning it off.” He answered truthfully, limbs beginning to feel weighted now that his adrenaline has faded. 

Wonwoo chuckled under his breath, wrapping an arm around him, “Neither do I, guess we have to keep each other warm.”

Soonyoung shifts so that his entire body is touching Wonwoo. His skin is warm from the shower and he doesn’t have the energy to tell him to dry his hair before going to bed. They could get some vitamin C pills tomorrow. Instead, he hummed in agreement, finally allowing himself to close his eyes and fall asleep.

Soonyoung had a plan and that plan was to sleep for at least twelve hours and then drag Wonwoo to the farmer’s market. He needed a breath of fresh air, it would hopefully help fight back grogginess he still felt.

Plus they were out of almost all edible food. Soonyoung was in charge of cooking since Wonwoo could barely light the stove without burning his hand, and he hadn’t gone to the grocery store in almost a week. It had been somewhat of an embarrassing chore to try and pull something together for breakfast that morning. Wonwoo hadn’t seemed to care that all they had was cornflakes without milk, but Soonyoung felt guilty that his first meal back was so unimpressive.

They had just barely stepped out of the apartment building, two cloth bags in hand, when Wonwoo’s ringtone went off, a sharp whistling that see the attention of the doorman as well as the two of them. 

He shot Soonyoung an apologetic look before answering it, “I thought it was my day off,” he grumbled quietly into the receiver before edging away so that Soonyoung wouldn’t be able to hear the rest of his conversation, typical. 

Soonyoung took the time alone to watch a man and women across the street walk their little white dog. The lady was in sweatpants and a raincoat but the man was more dressed up, dark maroon button up, hair gelled back and shiny navy shoes. They made an attractive couple despite the differences in appearance. 

Soonyoung wonders idly if Wonwoo would like to get a dog, he always stopped and made faces at the ones in the window of the pet store a few blocks away so Soonyoung assumes that he at least liked them, though he had never said one way or the other. 

Soonyoung didn’t dislike dogs, but he was more of a cat person, they seemed more self sufficient and considering he couldn’t even removed to feed the fish, a dog might not be a great idea. 

The city was never slow by any means, but in between rain it seemed to be even more bustling. It seemed everyone was trying to get their to-do lists done before the next storm was forecasted to blow through.

A group of teenagers walked by, jeering loudly at something. Soonyoung moved further back on the sidewalk, more out of their way. One of them throws his cigarette butt into a gutter, the glowing orange tip going dark.

Wonwoo jogged back to him, evidently having finished his phone call. 

Soonyoung made a face when he splashed in a puddle on the way, dirtying his white sneakers and the hem of his light jeans. 

“I’m so sorry babe,” Wonwoo said loudly before he even makes it to where Soonyoung is waiting, phone out with his hand covering the speaker so that whoever is on the other end can’t hear him.

The doorman eyes the two of them, gaze pitying when it lands on Soonyoung. 

Soonyoung has never enjoyed being the source of someone’s pity and he wishes he had the energy to tell him to mind his own business. 

“You have to leave already? You just got back.” Soonyoung doesn’t bother to mask his disappointment, fidgeting with the manilla cloth bag in his hand.

“Something bad happened, I have to go take care of it.”

Soonyoung knew what that euphemism meant even though Wonwoo didn’t want him too.

“Okay, be safe,” He let out a heavy sigh, not sure what else to do. It’s not like he could stop Wonwoo, not like he hadn’t tried a million times before. 

Wonwoo pulled him in for a quick goodbye kiss and mouthed a quick sorry before he’s sprinting back into the lobby and up the stairs, leaving Soonyoung standing like an idiot alone on the sidewalk. 

Soonyoung debated just following him back inside, no longer feeling up to dealing with the crowded market. In the end, he swallowed down his anxiety, letting it rest like a barbed pit in his stomach. There was no excuse for wasting a perfectly good evening, and they really did need food. Wonwoo would probably back by tomorrow and Soonyoung wanted to have something for breakfast, this time at least. 

Plus he had showered and gotten dressed for this, he didn’t want to waste all that effort.

The plan had been to get beef from their favorite butcher and make a stew but going to the market now was out of the question, so Soonyoung grit his teeth against the wave of useless panic and headed off in the direction of the closest grocery store, hoping that the doorman’s watchful eyes couldn’t see the tremble in his steps.

The pasta aisle was crowded as a circus. Apparently, boxed mac and cheese was a popular item for purchase on Thursday evenings.

A child sat on the floor in between the canned tomatoes and pasta sauce, screaming his lungs out as his mom ignored him, sending apologetic looks to anyone who met her eyes.

Soonyoung decided he wasn’t going to deal with any of that, and grabs the first couple bags of dry pasta he sees, stepping away from the chaos to decide between them. 

Lasagna noodles, two different brands of angel hair, and tortellini. He had been hoping for something like spaghetti, or something he at least knew what to do with. Angel hair seemed to be his closest bet but it was thin he was kind of scared that it might be super fragile. 

“What sauce do you have?” 

Soonyoung looked up, surprised at being addressed so suddenly, “Excuse me?” He stammered, cursing the way his voice pitched upward like a kid going through puberty still. 

A younger woman with dark roots peaking out from messy blonde curls and indigo bags under her eyes smiled kindly at him, “Angel's hair is best with oils and herbs, tortellini is good with marinara, and I’m assuming you know what the lasagna noodle is for.” 

Soonyoung wonders what about him seemed in such desperate need of help that this random woman felt the need to take time out of her day to give advice on pasta of all things. 

Pathetic, he was so pathetic. 

”Thank you.” He gives her a real smile, edges of his mouth aching at the exertion. 

The lady waved her hand dismissively.

“You looked overwhelmed. Hope I wasn’t overstepping.” 

Soonyoung fights off the creeping paranoia that his mind is being read, “I don’t get out of the house much,” he hopes it sounds like a joke and not the lame truth it really is.

Sometimes Soonyoung thinks he might regret ever even meeting Wonwoo. It’s a stupid thought, he really does love Wonwoo more than anything else he has ever loved before.

He loves him like they love in Hollywood movies, all-encompassing, at all costs type of of love. 

It’s just really embarrassing that when Wonwoo leaves he suddenly can’t function. It makes him angry at nobody but himself. Makes him want to scream in frustration and tear his own hair out, throw a tantrum to match any four year olds. 

Soonyoung is not a child, he can handle himself, had been handling himself long before Wonwoo waltzed into his life, and yet the fog of black that takes over him when Wonwoo is at work cripples him like nothing, not his anxiety or paranoia or past depressive episodes, had ever crippled him before.

He just _forgets_ how to do even the simplest of tasks, like sleeping, or eating, or showering. 

It hadn’t always been like that. Back when they were both younger and stupider, Soonyoung hadn’t really worried about anything except how to seduce the mysterious hot guy who frequented the bar he worked at. 

And when they had first gotten together, after flirting and dancing around for so long, it had clicked in just right, Wonwoo fitting snug into Soonyoung’s life.

Stupider still wasn’t stupid, and Soonyoung was wary of Wonwoo despite his affection, but he had tumbled into a relationship anyways, gotten attached. 

And then Wonwoo went missing for two months. 

Soonyoung had almost jumped off of a building, twice. He had been so out of it by the third week of radio silence from his boyfriend that Jihoon had forced him to move into his apartment just so he could keep a better eye on him. 

Soonyoung had never been suicidal before that, but something about the not knowing had felt like being drowned slowly in a thick goopy tar.

It had just seemed not worth fighting the slow suffocation.

He doesn’t really remember much of anything during those two horrible months, but he does remember when Wonwoo finally came back to pick him up, scooping him off Jihoon’s couch where he would spend days at a time zoned out. He had cried into Soonyoung’s shoulder, fat tears leaving wet patches on the sleeve of Jihoon’s t-shirt. 

He had apologized, he had promised that it would never happen again. 

Soonyoung still doesn’t know where he went. He doesn’t care to be honest, doesn’t want to dwell on it out of fear that it would send him spiraling again. Wonwoo had kept his promise, he had never been gone for more than a week since then and called and texted constantly when he did have to go. 

But Soonyoung knows, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, that someday Wonwoo wasn’t going to come home because men like Wonwoo don’t get to keep coming home and kiss their boyfriends and sleep on too small mattresses with polka-dot sheets.

Men like Wonwoo end up bleeding out in a ditch somewhere, alone and cold and abandoning. 

It terrifies Soonyoung to know that every time he kissed Wonwoo goodbye it could be the last time he got to. Like a real goodbye. 

Soonyoung considered canceling on Jihoon, _again_.

He used to look forward to their monthly lunch dates but he had been in a slump as of late and with Wonwoo still not back it had him extra antsy. To say Jihoon would be upset if he didn’t show up would be an understatement, considering how he had feigned illness and asked to reschedule the last two times. Jihoon would probably hunt him down if he tried to back out again, so he forced himself into the shower and even attempted to make his hair look somewhat nice. 

His bangs were way too long to style, he definitely needed a haircut. He ran some mousse through them and hoped the restaurant Jihoon picked wasn’t fancy even though, knowing Jihoon, it probably would be. 

Wonwoo needed the car for something so Soonyoung begrudgingly sprinted to the closest subway during a break in storms. His earbuds shoved into his ears and music turned up high. 

The subway wasn’t as crowded as it could be and Soonyoung found an empty seat without much trouble.

There were a few weird people in the car, but that was to be expected. None of them bothered him, though one woman with bloodshot eyes stared at him when he got off at his stop, he had ignored the way his skin crawled. 

“You get older when you fall in love,” Jihoon mused over their window-side table overlooking the pretty part of the city. He twirled another bite of pasta around his fork, making it look effortless. 

The restaurant Jihoon picked was a ritzy Italian place, filled with white table cloths, suited business men on their lunch breaks, and sparkling silverware.

Soonyoung hated it. He had never gotten the hang of using forks and he felt stupid asking for chopsticks. Wonwoo always laughed at is incompetence in the privacy of their own apartment but out in public it feels particularly humiliating.

“How poetic.” Soonyoung shook his head, letting his bangs fall into his eyes, he really needed a haircut, “Please tell me more Aristole.” 

Jihoon scoffed, “It’s pronounced _Aristotle_.”

Soonyoung shrugs, trying, and failing to get a single bite of angel hair pasta in his mouth. He stabs a shrimp with unnecessary violence out of frustration when it falls just before reaching his mouth. 

“You should leave him,” Jihoon said suddenly.

Soonyoung choked on his ice water, “What?” 

Jihoon shot him a complex look, “Nothing,” He said, taking a sip of his second glass of red wine, he had been nearly done with his first when Soonyoung showed up.

They both knew it wasn’t nothing but Soonyoung leaves it at that, not wanting to get in to an argument that makes him cry. Jihoon wasn’t exactly supportive of his and Wonwoo’s relationship, but he normally kept his opinions to himself, knowing that it was pretty much the one thing Soonyoung would actually get mad at him about, and Soonyoung getting mad meant angry tears and public tirades, no one wanted that. 

The rest of the lunch is quiet and Soonyoung was grateful when the waitress finally brought them the check. He reached to grab it but Jihoon shook his head, “I got it.” 

Soonyoung didn’t fight, Jihoon was stubborn if he wanted to pay for his lunch than who was Soonyoung to stop him. 

“Do you want to do anything else?” Jihoon asked as they leave the restaurant, he pulled his scarf up above his nose to combat the cold and Soonyoung wished he had at least brought a hat or something. 

“I should get back home,” It’s already almost four. Wonwoo might already be home and it’ was another thirty minutes back on the subway. 

Jihoon nodded, “Do you want a ride?” 

Soonyoung could tell that Jihoon was mad at him. Jihoon had been his best friend since high school, and Soonyoung loved him, but he hated how high and mighty he could get. He liked to act like he knew everything because he went to college and got a job while Soonyoung fucked around with a gang member. Which okay when you put it like that, didn’t make Soonyoung seem like the best decision maker, but he wasn’t as stupid as everyone pretended not to think he was.

Jihoon wasn’t his mom, and he didn’t have a say in Soonyoung’s life, and that annoyed Jihoon to no end. 

“I’ll take the subway, you have work.” Soonyoung didn’t leave any room for an argument. 

Jihoon furrowed his brows slightly, but he nodded, “Be safe.” 

“You should ride me,” Wonwoo says again as Soonyoung grinds his hips down onto his lap.

They’re on the couch, Soonyoung perched atop Wonwoo’s spread thighs and things had been getting progressively hotter and heavier as the Tarantino film Wonwoo liked plays on, ignored in the background. 

Soonyoung stops moving for a second, “Do I have to? I’m tired,” he mumbles, biting his lip out of nervous habit. 

“You don’t sleep or something?” Wonwoo asks. It’s meant to be a joke but it falls flat.

“I do.” Soonyoung responds, too quick with a voice that’s too defensive.

Wonwoo opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again. Soonyoung refuses to meet his eyes, staring over his shoulder at Gyu swimming lazily in his tank, Wonwoo has moved it into the living room after complaining that the filter was too loud to sleep. 

Wonwoo stroked his cheek, comforting. Soonyoung falls into the trap, letting his guard down just in time for Wonwoo to ask, “You haven’t been sleeping?”

This was pretty much exactly what Soonyoung hadn’t wanted, for Wonwoo to get worried over his own stupidity. 

“I sleep, just because I don’t have the energy to ride you after a long day doesn’t mean I don’t sleep.” He tries to make it a joke, the look of concern in Wonwoo’s eyes tells him that it doesn’t work. 

“Soonyoung,” Wonwoo starts, “Are you okay?” 

And Soonyoung pushes himself off his lap before he even really has time to figure out what he’s doing. 

“I’m going for a walk,” he decides, grabbing a pair of Wonwoo’s sweats from the ground that are three sizes too big for him. 

“Wait,” Wonwoo tries to grab his hand but Soonyoung pulls it away. “Soonyoung.” He sounds desperate and it that’s what makes Soonyoung pause. 

He turns around, tears already pooling in his eyes because he can’t do anything anymore without crying. 

“What?” He asks, voice more ragged than it has any right to be. 

Wonwoo looks confused, like someone had blindsided him with a sucker punch to the face.

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong.” 

Soonyoung does actually realize how unfair he’s being, Wonwoo hadn’t done anything, doesn’t know anything. It’s Soonyoung’s fault alone that gets all weepy and depressed whenever he’s alone

It doesn’t stop him from slamming the door behind him on his way out, viscious satisfaction mixed with guilt at the sound.” 

Soonyoung was not happy when the next time Wonwoo leaves he takes it upon himself to find a babysitter. 

“What did he tell you?” Soonyoung mumbled, too embarrassed to meet Mingyu’s eyes as they stand awkwardly in the living room. Mingyu has a camp green overnight bag slung over one shoulder and out of spite for the wrong person Soonyoung doesn’t tell him he can set it down. 

He didn’t need a babysitter, and certainly not one who was just as involved in shady shit as Wonwoo himself was. 

Which is exactly what he had told Wonwoo when they fought two days ago, apparently it hadn’t gotten though to him. 

Mingyu ignored the cold tone, “Just that you’ve been having some trouble sleeping.” 

“And he thinks you can help with that?” Soonyoung said scathingly, not looking away from the fish tank to meet Mingyu’s eyes. 

Mingyu just shrugged, “He’s just worried about you.” 

Maybe he shouldn’t leave all the time then, is what Soonyoung doesn’t say because it’s unfair. It wasn’t like he was working, they would be in the street if Wonwoo up and left his job. 

Soonyoung actually liked Wonwoo’s friends most of the time, but right now he doesn't feel anything but annoyance at the entire situation. The only person to blame was himself. If he wasn’t such a pathetic co-dependent freak than none of this would be happening. 

“Whatever, I’m going to get the mail,” 

Mingyu frowned, putting his bag on the couch.

”I’ll come,” he offered casually, but Soonyoung felt something hot burn it way down his throat. 

Humilaition.

He knew the feeling well, but it just seemed too much at this exact moment. Like a pressure cooker steaming over, boiling water bubbling up and over the edges.

“I’m just going to check my mail.” He groused, it comes out sharp and mean. “It’s ten feet down the hall.”

“So then it shouldn’t be a big deal if I go with you,” Mingyu shoots back.

He doesn’t raise his voice but Soonyoung can tell that he’s getting pissed off. He’s here as a favor to Wonwoo and all Soonyoung has been doing is making his life difficult.

He really couldn’t do anything right.

“I just want two seconds to breathe, by myself.” 

What Soonyoung really wants is to throw something. He knows this is out of character, but lately, he hasn’t been feeling like himself.

It’s not Mingyu’s fault, but he feels trapped. The apartment is too small for him and anyone that isn’t Wonwoo, the market is too crowded, the subway too loud, and Wonwoo is gone _again_. 

It seemed like his trips were growing more and more frequent. 

Luckily Mingyu finds him crying in the mailroom before any of their neighbors do. Everyone already thinks he’s some freak recluse so it’s not like this would tarnish his reputation too much, but he still wasn’t sure what he would do if some stranger tried to help, or god forbid, called the cops.

“Hey, you’re okay, let’s get back to the apartment,” Mingyu sounds apologetic and Soonyoung already knows he’s blaming himself because he’s one of those guys. 

How he got caught up in the same thing Wonwoo did is beyond him. Maybe they had no choice. That would make him even more of a spoiled brat than he already felt. 

Soonyoung doesn’t have it in him to answer, just keeps sniffling into sleeves of Wonwoo’s old high school sweatshirt as he lets himself get led back to their apartment without much of a fight. He hadn’t even made it to their mailbox, had just collapsed as soon as he turned the light switch on.

Mingyu turns the heat on and pulls a thick woolen blanket down from the shelf in the closet to wrap Soonyoung in. 

Mingyu is even taller than Wonwoo is and the height difference adds to Soonyoung’s embarrassment over being treated like a child, but he doesn’t have the energy to protest. It almost feels good at this precise moment. Almost. 

“This isn’t healthy,” Mingyu whispers as he pets his hair, “How did you get like this?” 

“I don’t know,” Soonyoung hiccups back. “I don’t know.”

“How was it with Mingyu?” Wonwoo asks, they’re eating out because Soonyoung forgot to go to the grocery store once again.

He’s getting worse and he knows it now, the breakdown with Mingus conforming his fears.

Soonyoung fiddles with his bowl of ramen, trying to move all the noodles to one side and all of the vegetables and meat to the other but they keep shifting back together. He isn’t very hungry.

“It was fine, I missed you,” Soonyoung doesn’t look up. He’s grateful that Mingyu didn’t tell Wonwoo about his breakdown, it’s bad enough that it happened but he doesn’t want to make Wonwoo worried.

“I missed you too,” Wonwoo looks sad for a second before smiling widely, Soonyoung’s heart skips a beat at how pretty it is, “I always miss you whenever I have to leave.” 

“Then don’t leave,” Soonyoung half-whimpers, he looks down at his bowl, “Sorry.”

Wonwoo takes another bite of his food, “You don’t have to be sorry. I told you about the new guy right?” 

Soonyoung nods even though he doesn’t remember if Wonwoo did or didn’t, it doesn’t matter. 

“I’m trying to get him trained so he can take over some stuff.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t answer. He wishes their waitress would walk by so he could ask for more water or the check. He doesn’t want to be here anymore.

The waitress is on the other side of the restaurant taking a family’s orders. She doesn’t look over after she finishes.

“I took October off,” Wonwoo finally says when he realizes that Soonyoung isn’t going to respond, his bowl is almost empty. 

“That’s nice,” Soonyoung pulls apart his napkin under the table. Through the window, he can see that it’s dark now, but people are still out and about.

Across the street is one of those fancy new ice cream places that use nitrogen, it’s packed full of tired parents, and excited children. There’s a young couple sharing a cone at one of the booths by the window.

“We can go somewhere, in Europe?” Wonwoo waves his hand to grab their waitresses attention, “Do you want to take that home?” He motions towards Soonyoung’s bowl.

Soonyoung shrugs, Wonwoo asks for a to-go container along with the check.

“You wanted to go to Spain right?”

Soonyoung wanted to go to Japan, “Yeah, that sounds nice.” 

The glass behind Wonwoo suddenly shatters, and before Soonyoung can say anything a gunshot rings out.

It’s a blur after that. Someone screams, maybe him. Probably him.

The ambulance doesn’t come fast enough and Soonyoung thinks he punches someone who tries to keep him away from Wonwoo’s body as they wait.

There’s blood everywhere, he’s too hysterical to know where the bullet landed if it’s fatal.

The beeping had started out annoying, but the longer Soonyoung sits there the more soothing it gets. His eyelids are heavy and he can feel everything fading.

Sleep evades him as usual though, his mind refusing it. 

Wonwoo looks peaceful when the doctor comes in and asks to speak with Soonyoung. 

Apparently, Wonwoo’s parents had been dead for longer than Soonyoung had known him and his closest relative was an uncle that had been in jail since the eighties.

It explained the lack of family dinners during the holidays.

Soonyoung couldn’t fight the fury at the information. Wonwoo always told him that his parents were super religious and wouldn’t be too happy about the boyfriend, turns out almost nothing Wonwoo told him was the truth. 

“As you seem to be the only one who claims to know him, we are giving you this information as a courtesy,” the doctor smiles sympathetically at him before leaving the room, door clicking shut softly. 

“Hi,” Mingyu opened the door slowly, “I knocked, but no one answered.” He trailed off, unsure.

It’s Wonwoo’s first visitor that isn’t Soonyoung.

Soonyoung doesn’t answer him, doesn’t even bother to look up from the slow rise and fall of Wonwoo’s chest as the beeping machine helps him ale his last breaths.

“Have you slept?” Mingyu tried to sound empathetic but Soonyoung can hear in his voice that he’s preparing himself for an argument. “I can look over him if you want to take a nap.”

“He’s brain dead,” Soonyoung says, he doesn’t mean to but when he opens his mouth the words just fall out like stones splashing into a river.

It’s quiet.

“What? I thought…”

“They want me to give them permission to pull the plug.”

Soonyoung is tired in a way he has never been before. He wants someone else to make the decision. He doesn’t want the weight of knowing that Wonwoo’s life is now literally in his hands. 

Wonwoo is dead and Soonyoung still gets to be the one to kill him. 

“Are you going to?” Mingyu pulls the other chair over to the bed. His face a mask of indifference, Soonyoung assumes that’s how he deals with grief, his own expression can’t have changed from resigned the entire times he’s been here.

“Would you?” Soonyoung asked.

Mingyu looked pained, “He’s my best friend.”

Soonyoung nodded.

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

Mingyu loosens his tie, “The agency is willing to pay for whatever you need.” 

Soonyoung ignores him, “It’s not your fault,” he repeats. 

Mingyu gets quiet at that. 

The machine beeps steadily. 

“I don’t got a choice, not really, the only reason they haven’t done it yet is that they feel bad for me,” Soonyoung confessed. “At some point, they’re going to need those machines for someone who might have a chance.” 

Soonyoung wondered who else might have been in this chair, who else was going to be in this chair when he vacated it. Who else was going to be waiting for something, knowing that it wouldn’t come.

“We can have him moved somewhere more private, there’s a doctor in Thailand whose performed miracles before--” 

“There’s no such thing as miracles,” Soonyoung interrupted. 

He stands up on shaky legs like a newborn calf but his voice is steady and calm as he asks, “Can you give me a ride home?”

**Author's Note:**

> spoiler: wonwoo dies
> 
> litcherally havent paid any attention to kpop in two years someone rec some good hoshi fic lmao


End file.
